Toph's Gone And Done It Again
by Yazu Katara and Toph Attack
Summary: Toph's back, and this time she's gotten the cast to sing OTHER musicals as well! Sequel to Toph's Avalot, but you don't have to read that first. Pairings inside. Most of it is Smellershot and Taang, though. [From Namine]
1. It's Your Fault

A/N: (gulps) Taang and Karasu made me do this… okay, I should stop blaming people. This is going to be quite disturbing, so hold on to your underpants and keep a vile of Prozac handy. Oh, and Taang is real, she's just an angel… don't believe in that kind of stuff, don't worry about it. This is a Sequel to Toph's Avalot.

This is Zutara, Taang, Sukka, Smellershot, JetMai, HaruLee and some Azulaang

Toph Monster enters the stage. In the chairs sits most of the Avatar Cast.

"Hello, ladies and gentlemen, I am Toph Monster, but you can refer to me as the evil Mistress Monster. This is my co-author, the ghostly Taang, otherwise known as That-Little-12-Year-Old-Blind-Girl-Who-Kicks-People's-Butts."

Toph Bei Fong raised her hand.

"Toph Bei Fong?"

"Don't I have that title?"

Mistress Monster thought for a moment. She whispered into her co-author's ears, and the little black-haired girl ran backstage. She returned moments later with a tazer.

"No," Mistress Monster replied.

Toph gulped and folded her hands in her lap.

"Now… today we will be—" Taang started.

"FORCIBLY MAKING YOU SING SONGS FROM MUSICALS!!! FOR THE HELL OF IT!!!" Mistress Monster yelled.

Both were immediately changed, wearing matching jeans and green t-shirts. They took their own seats behind the Avatar Cast.

"Fist up, Zuko, Katara, Toph, Aang and Azula."

Azula growled, "Damn you…"

Taang giggled, "Are you still going to try and pair them up?"

Mistress Monster looked at the young girl and shook her head, finally saying, "Yes…"

Zuko: It's because of you there's a giant in our midst, and my wife is dead!

Aang: But it isn't my fault,

I was given those beans!

You persuaded me to trade away my cow for beans!

And without those beans, there'd have been no stalk

To get up to the giant in the first place!

Zuko: Wait a minute,magic beans for a cow so old

That you had to tell a lie to sell it, which you told!

Were they worthless beans? Were they oversold?

Oh, and tell us who persuaded you to steal that gold!

Toph to Aang: See, it's your fault.

Aang: No!

Zuko: So it's your fault..

Aang: No!

Toph: Yes, it is!

Aang: It's not!

Zuko: It's true.

Aang: Wait a minute, though--

I only stole the gold to get my cow back

From you!

Toph to Zuko: So it's your fault!

Aang: Yes!

Zuko: No, it isn't!

I'd have kept those beans, but our house was cursed.

She made us get a cow to get the curse reversed!

Azula: It's his father's fault that the curse got placed,

And the place got cursed in the first place!

Toph: Oh. Then it's his fault!

Azula: So.

Katara: It was his fault..

Aang: No.

Zuko: Yes, it is, it's his.

Katara: I guess..

Aang: Wait a minute, though--

I chopped down the beanstalk, right? That's clear.

But without any beanstalk, then what's queer

Is how did the second giant get down here

In the first place?

..second place..

Katara: Yes!

Toph: How?

Zuko: Hmm..

Aang: Well, who had the other bean?

Zuko: The other bean?

Katara: The other bean?

Aang to Zuko: You pocketed the other bean.

Zuko: I didn't!

Yes, I did.

Toph: So it's your f--!

Zuko: No, it isn't, 'cause I gave it to my wife!

Toph: So it's her f--!

Zuko: NO, IT ISN'T!

Katara: Then whose is it?

Zuko: Wait a minute! to Katara

She exchanged that bean to obtain your shoe,

So the one who knows what happened to the bean is you!

Katara: You mean that old bean-- that your wife--? Oh, dear--

as they all look at her

But I never knew, and so I threw--

Well, don't look here!

Toph: So it's your fault!

Katara: But--

Aang: See, it's her fault--

Katara: But--

Aang: And it isn't mine at all!

Zuko to Katara: But what?

Katara to Aang: Well, if you hadn't gone back up again--

Aang: We were needy--

Katara: You were greedy! Did you need that hen?

Aang: But I got it for my mother--!

Toph: So it's her fault then!

Katara: Yes, and what about the harp in the third place?

Zuko: The harp--yes!

Aang referring to Toph: She went and dared me to!

Toph: I dared you to?

Aang: You dared me to!

to the others She said that I was scared--

Toph: ME?

Aang: --to. She dared me!

Toph: No, I didn't!

Zuko, Katara, Aang: So it's your fault!

Toph: Wait a minute--!

Katara: If you hadn't dared him to--

Zuko to Aang And you had left the harp alone,

We wouldn't be in trouble in the first place!

Toph to Katara, over: Well, if you hadn't thrown away the bean

In the first place--!

It was your fault!

Katara referring to Azula:

Well, if she hadn't raised them in the first place--!

Aang over, to Azula: Yes, if you hadn't raised them in the first place--!

Toph, Zuko to Azula:

Right! It's you who raised them in the first place--!

Katara simultaneously: You raised the beans in the first place!

Aang: It's YOUR fault!

Katara, Aang, Toph, Zuko: You're responsible!

You're the one to blame!

It's your fault!

Azula: Shhhhhhhhhhh!

Azula looked at Mistress Monster, "What was that?"

"My favorite song from Into the Woods…" Mistress Monster replied.

"How did that get them together?" Sokka yelled from the audience.

Mistress Monster got up, pulled Sokka into the chair in front of her and…

BZZZZZZZZZZZZZZT!!

… tazed him.

"No questions, Sokka," Taang taunted, poking him in the back of the head. She giggled, "He's still warm!"

Azula raises an eyebrow, "I like the way these two think…"

BZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZT!!!

Mistress Monster tazed her from on stage, she fell into a burnt heap at Zuko, Katara, Toph and Aang's feet.

Katara and Toph scoffed and ran down the steps and back to their seats. Zuko and Aang poked at Azula with their feet, then joined the two girls down in the audience.

"The way I see it is, to answer Sokka's question, is at the end of the play, the only people who are alive, really, are Cinderella, played by Katara, Little Red Riding Hood, played by Toph, Jack, played by Aang, and the Baker, played by Zuko," Mistress Monster replied, smiling in a sickly sweet fashion.

"And she always says that after the play ends, Cinderella and the Baker get together and Little Red Riding Hood and Jack get together," Taang finished.

Toph, Aang, Katara and Zuko generally faint in their seats.

Sokka, regaining consciousness, glares at Zuko, and attempts to say something before…

BZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZT!!!

Mistress Monster tazes him again.

A/N: Yeah, and I thought I matured after the butcher knife months. Long live the Tazer!!! More of the other ships and some solos soon!

**Toph Monster**


	2. The Underwear is for PORN

A/N: Avenue Q time!

Taang enters the stage with a clipboard.

"What is this? I can't read a thing!"

Mistress Monster jumps up, "It says this next one is for… Jet, Aang, Zuko, Longshot, Sokka and Katara."

Katara looked at Toph and whispered, "Fuck."

Taang shouted, "LANGUAGE!"

Both her and Mistress Monster returned to their seats and Mistress Monster sits right behind Meng.

She put the tazer on the back of Meng's neck and…

BZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZT!!

You get the idea.

"That's what you get for trying to take Aangy!" Mistress Monster shouts.

She glares in Katara's general direction.

Katara squeaks and runs up to join her brother and most of the guys who usually hit on her. Including Sokka, at times.

KATARA   
The internet is really really great  
SOKKA  
For porn  
KATARA   
I've got a fast connection so i don't have to wait  
SOKKA   
For porn  
KATARA  
Huh?  
There's always some new site,   
SOKKA  
For porn!

KATARA  
I browse all day and night  
SOKKA  
For porn!  
KATARA  
It's like i'm surfing at the speed of light  
SOKKA  
For porn!  
KATARA  
Trekkie!

SOKKA  
The internet is for porn   
KATARA  
TREKKIE!  
SOKKA  
The internet is for porn,   
KATARA  
What are you doing!?  
SOKKA  
Why you think the net was born?  
Porn porn porn

KATARA  
Tre--kie!  
SOKKA  
Oh hello Kate monster  
KATARA  
You are ruining my song  
SOKKA  
Oh me sorry, me no mean to  
KATARA  
Well if you wouldnt mind please being quiet for a minute so i can finish?  
SOKKA  
Me no talkie  
KATARA  
Good

I'm glad we have this new technology  
SOKKA  
For porn  
KATARA  
Which gives us untold opportunity  
SOKKA  
For por—oops, sorry  
KATARA  
Right from you own desktop  
SOKKA  
For ---  
KATARA  
You can research browse and shop  
Until you've had enough and your ready to stop  
SOKKA  
FOR PORN!!

KATARA  
Trekkie!  
Trekkie!

SOKKA  
The internet is for porn!  
KATARA  
Noooo  
SOKKA  
The internet if for porn!  
KATARA  
Trekkie!  
SOKKA  
Me up all night honking me horn to porn, porn, porn!

KATARA  
That's gross you're a pervert  
SOKKA  
Ah, sticks and stones Kate monster  
KATARA  
NO really, your a pervert  
Normal people don't sit at home and look   
At porn on the internet  
SOKKA  
Ohhhh?  
KATARA  
What?!  
SOKKA  
You have no idea  
Ready normal people?

NORMAL PEOPLE  
Ready--- ready ----ready

SOKKA  
Let me hear it!

SOKKA AND GUYS  
The internet is for porn!  
ZUKO  
Sorry Kate  
SOKKA AND GUYS  
The internet is for porn!  
ZUKO  
I masturbate!  
SOKKA AND GUYS  
All these guys unzip their flies  
For porn, porn, porn!

KATARA  
The internet is not for porn!!

SOKKA AND GUYS  
PORN!, PORN, P---

KATARA  
HOLD ON A SECOND!

Now i know for a fact that you, Rob, check your portfolio and trade stocks online

LONGSHOT  
That's correct.

KATARA  
And Brian, you buy things on 

AANG  
Sure! 

KATARA  
And Gary, you keep selling your possesions on Ebay 

JET  
Yes I do!

KATARA  
And Princeton, you sent me that sweet online birthday card

ZUKO  
True!

SOKKA  
Oh, but Kate-  
What you think he do . . .after? hmm?

ZUKO  
. .yeah

KATARA  
EEEWWWWW!  
SOKKA AND GUYS  
The internet is for porn!  
KATARA  
Gross!  
SOKKA AND GUYS  
The internet is for porn!  
KATARA  
I hate porn  
SOKKA AND GUYS  
Grab your dick and double click  
KATARA  
I hate you men!  
SOKKA AND GUYS   
For porn, porn, porn!  
(harmonizing) porn, porn, porn, porn  
KATARA  
I'm leaving!  
SOKKA AND GUYS  
Porn, porn, porn, porn  
porn, porn, porn, porn  
KATARA  
I hate the internet!  
SOKKA AND GUYS  
Porn, porn, porn, porn

SOKKA  
The internet is for

SOKKA AND SOME  
The internet is for

SOKKA AND ALL  
The internet is for PORN!

SOKKA  
YEAH!

Sokka sighed, "Oh, wow."

"Ew…." Katara yelled, running back to the audience and hiding under Toph's seat.

"Hey… Katara and Sokka were related to Mistress Monster!" Aang yelled. Mistress Monster glared at him and he cringed, waiting for the tazer. It never came, instead, Meng ran up and…

"OW!" she yelled.

Mistress Monster had pulled back on her leash back into her chair and…

BUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZ!!!

"Oh, crap! I'm vibrating!" Aang yelled. Longshot, Jet and Zuko laughed and fell off the stage in a heap.

"MANSEX!" Taang screamed.

"NO CELL PHONES IN THE THEATRE!" Mistress Monster yelled.

"Toph, now you have to sing with Aang!"

"Fuck." Toph cursed.

"LANGUAGE!" Taang yelled, grabbing the tazer from Mistress Monster and…

BZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZT!!

She tazed Meng, because she and Mistress Monster would never hurt Toph or Aang.

Aang:  
I'm not wearing underwear today,  
No im not wearing underwear today  
Not that you probably care  
Much about my underwear  
Still none the less i gotta say  
That im not wearing underwear today

Toph: Getta Job!

Aang: Thank you..hunnie?

Toph looked at Aang funny, "Did you just call me hunnie?

Aang looked at the teleprompter with wide eyes, "Umm… yes."

Taang jumped out of her seat, "MOLEST HER! DAMMIT!"

"LANGUAGE!" Mistress Monster yelled. "FUCK YA!" she then yelled.

BZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZT!!!

She tazed Meng yet again, then Sokka and Azula.

BZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZT!

BZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZT!!

Aang and Toph stood onstage with eyes reeeeaaaally wide, then they scrambled down the steps, tripping over each other and falling on top of each other.

"MOLESTATION!" Taang yelled again, feeling the dangerous vibrations.

"TAZER!" Mistress Monster yelled.

BZT! BZT! BZT!!!

She just pressed the button several times. Then she put on the back of Smellerbee's neck accidently…

BZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZT!!

"Oops…" Mistress Monster said, feeling the wrath of Longshot.

"Fuck."

And she began running, then remembered she had the tazer.

BZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZT!!!

Longshot joined Smellerbee on the floor.

Taang looked at her foot, "Are they unconsciously making out?"

"No…" Mistress Monster said, sighing and returning to her seat. She put the tazer to the back of Meng's neck and…

BZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZT!!

You get the idea.

**Toph Monster**


	3. Hello, Little Girl

A/N: Yay.

Aang and Toph returned to their seats. Mistress Monster sighed and ran up to the stage, "Quick announcement… this is mostly going to be Zutara and Taang, if any pairings at all."

Sokka looked at her, "Zutara and Taang? I thought she was Taang," he said, pointing to the little girl.

Taang gasped and picked up the tazer.

BZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZT!!!

"Ahem," Mistress Monster replied, gaining everyone's attention, "Zutara is the pairing Zuko and Katara—"

Zuko and Katara groaned

"--and Toph and Aang."

Toph and Aang slid down in their seats.

"On that note," Mistress Monster said happily, "Jet and Toph get on the stage."

Jet and Toph grumbled as they went up the steps.

Taang fed the words into the teleprompter and turned it toward the two actors.

JET

Good day, young lady.

TOPH

Good day, Mr. Wolf.

JET

Mmmh...

Unhh...

Look at that flesh,

Pink and plump.

Hello, little girl...

Tender and fresh,

Not one lump.

Hello, little girl...

This one's especially lush,

Delicious...

Mmmh...

Hello, little girl,

What's your rush?

You're missing all the flowers.

The sun won't set for hours,

Take your time.

TOPH

Mother said,

"Straight ahead,"

Not to delay or be misled.

JET

But slow, little girl,

Hark and hush-

The birds are singing sweetly.

You'll miss the birds completely,

You're traveling so fleetly.

Grandmother first,

Then Miss Plump...

What a delectable couple:

Utter perfection-

One brittle, one supple-

One moment, my dear-!

TOPH

Mother said,

"Come what may,

Follow the path

And never stray."

JET

Just so, little girl-

Any path.

So many worth exploring.

Just one would be so boring.

And look what you're ignoring...

Think of those crisp,

Aging bones,

Then something fresh on the palate,

Think of that scrumptious carnality

Twice in one day-!

There's no possible way

To describe what you feel

When you're talking to your meal.

TOPH

Mother said

Not to stray.

Still I suppose,

A small delay...

Granny might like

A fresh bouquet...

Goodbye, Mr. Wolf.

JET

Goodbye, little girl.

And hello...

Jet stared at the teleprompter, "Umm… even I creeped myself out…"

"I bet," Taang replied, "I still don't trust him."

Aang looked at Toph, "Umm… why am I tempted to go save her?"

Taang smiled, "Yessss…"

Jet jumped off the stage and looked at Toph, "No more creepiness…"

"Fine," Toph replied, "More solos for Jet, gotcha."

Toph stepped down, "Unless I'm up again, I'm sitting down."

Katara and Zuko sat with stunned looks, "Uhhh… scary song."

**Toph Monster**


	4. I Can't Take My Eyes Off Of You

Mistress Monster sighed as she looked at the four on the stage, "Hey, you don't like my song choices, tough break."

Zuko and Katara looked at each other on the stage, then they both looked at Toph and Aang, who looked back. They sighed and gestured for the DJ to start.

Zuko:

Ya never know what you're gonna feel, oh

Ya never see it comin' suddenly it's real

Katara:

Oh, never even crossed my mind, no

That I would ever end up here tonight

Both:

All things change

When you don't expect them to

No one knows

What the future's gonna do

I never even noticed

That you've been there all along

Chorus

Zuko & Katara:

I can't take my eyes off of you

I know you feel the same way too, yeah

I can't take my eyes off of you

All it took . . . Was one look

For a dream come true

Aang:

Yeah, we got a good thing goin' on

Toph:

Oh, right here is right where we belong

Both:

You never really know what you might find

Now all I see is you and I

You're everything I never knew

That I've been looking for

Chorus

Aang & Toph

All:

Can't take my eyes off of you

Oh, oh, oh yeah

So let the music play

Can't take my eyes off of you

Yeah, the feeling's getting' stronger

And I never ever felt this way

Alright, I see everything

In your eyes. . . Oh yeah

Alright, something's happening

Cause everyone's around but

You're the only one I see

Chorus

I can't take my eyes off of you

Feelings like I never knew

I can't take my eyes off of you

From the start. . . Got my heart

Yeah, you do

Can't take my eyes off you

"Dude, what was that?" Sokka asked, his face a ripe purple.

"High School Musical…" Taang replied, smirking.

Smellerbee, Jet and Longshot uncovered their ears, "That was torture," Smellerbee told Taang.

"Don't tell her that!" Jet hissed.

Mistress Monster filed away Smellerbee's comment deep in her brain.

Meng finally awoke, "Why is Aang blushing? Is it because of—"

BZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZT!!

"Shut up, biatch," Mistress Monster said plainly, kicking Meng's unconscious body.

**Toph Monster**


	5. Popular

Mistress Monster turned to Taang, "You're turn to pick," she said, putting her hands behind her head.

The Avatar cast looked at each other, fearing the worst.

Taang smirked, "Katara, Toph, get on stage…"

"Is this a love song?" Toph and Katara asked.

Taang laughed, "No… but this song reminds me too much of me and Mistress Monster… so naturally, it's you and Katara."

Mistress Monster looked at her, "I'm Toph, right?"

"That's your name…" Taang replied, taking out the pink nail polish. Mistress Monster rolled her eyes and slipped her hands into green gloves, "Only clear, thank you!"

"Jeez, this is for ME…" Taang replied.

Katara and Toph shook their heads and looked at the teleprompter.

GLINDA:

(Spoken)

Elphie, now that we're friends, i've decided to make you my new project!

TOPH:

(Spoken)

you really don't have to do that...

KATARA:

(Spoken)

i know, that's what makes me so nice!

(Sung)

whenever i see someone less fortunate than i,

and let's face it, who isn't less fortunate than i?

my tender heart tends to start to bleed.

and when someone needs a makeover,

i simply have to take over!

i know i know exactly what they need!

and even in your case,

though it's the toughest case i've yet to face,

don't worry, i'm determined to succeed!

follow my lead,

and yes indeed, you will be...

POPULAR! you're gonna be popular!

i'll teach you the propper ploys,

when you talk to boys,

little ways to flirt and flounce, ooh!

i'll show you what shoes to wear!

how to fix your hair!

everthing that really counts to be...

POPULAR! i'll help you be popular!

you'll hang with the right cohorts,

you'll be good at sports,

know the slang you've got to know.

so let's start,

'cause you've got an awfully long way to go!

don't be offended by my frank analysis,

think of it as personality dialysis,

now that i've chosen to become a

pal, a sister and advisor,

there's nobody wiser!

not when it comes to...

POPULAR! i know about popular.

and with an assist from me,

to be who you'll be,

instead of dreary who you were...uh, are.

there's nothing that can stop you,

from becoming popular... lar...

la la, la la!

we're gonna make you pop-u-lar!

when i see depressing creatures,

with unprepossessing features,

i remind them on their own behalf

to - think - of

celebrated heads of state,

or specially great communicators!

did they have brains or knowledge?

don't make me laugh!

they were POPULAR!

please! it's all about popular.

it's not about aptitude,

it's the way you're viewed,

so it's very shrewd to be,

very very popular like ME!

(Spoken)

why, miss Elphaba, look at you. you're beautiful!

TOPH:

(Spoken)

i, i have to go...

KATARA:

(Spoken)

you're welcome...

(Sung)

and though you protest,

your disinterest,

i know clandestinly,

you're gonna' grin and bear it!

you're new found popularity!

ah!

la la, la la!

you'll be popular!

just not quite as popular as ME

"Oh, how nice, Katara," Aang yelled as Toph ran down the stage and (almost) in his arms.

Mistress Monster laughed, "Taang, how can you even SEE the color pink?"

How is that even part of the conversation?" Sokka asked.

Mistress Monster glared at him with pursed lips, he cringed. Instead, Mistress Monster put the tazer up to an awaking Meng and…

BZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZT!!!

Katara jumped off the stage, "What the hell did I just sing?"

"Wicked… the most awesome musical I have yet to see," Mistress Monster replied, laughing as Meng crashed to the floor again.

"You're such a sadist," Taang scoffed.

"But that's why you love me…" Mistress Monster replied.

**Toph Monster**


	6. The Tango: Maureen

Mistress Monster snickered, "Oh… Taang, this is going to be good."

Mai and Haru stood on stage glaring at them. Ty Lee looked at them, "They're… they're singing about me?"

Taang nodded.

"We don't have all day, you two," Mistress Monster said, picking up the tazer.

Haru and Mai cringed and began the song.

MAI

Mark?

HARU

Hi.

MAI

I told her not to call you

HARU

That's Maureen

But can I help since I'm here

MAI

I hired and engineer. . .

HARU

Great!

Well, nice to have met you

MAI

Wait!

She's three hours late

The samples won't delay

But the cable -

HARU

There's another way

Say something - Anything

MAI

Test - One, two, three. . .

HARU

Anything but that

MAI

This is weird

HARU

It's weird

MAI

Very weird

HARU

Fuckin' weird

MAI

I'm so mad

That I don't know what to do

Fighting with microphones

Freezing down to my bones

And to top it all off

I'm with you

HARU

Feel like going insane?

Got a fire in your brain?

And you're thinking of drinking gasoline?

MAI

As a matter of fact -

HARU

Honey, I know the act

It's called, the 'Tango Maureen'

The Tango Maureen

It's a dark, dizzy

merry-go-round

As she keeps you dangling

MAI

You're wrong

HARU

Your heart she is mangling

MAI

It's different with me

HARU

And you toss and you turn

'Cause her cold eyes can burn

Yet you yearn and you churn and rebound

MAI

I think I know what you mean

BOTH

The Tango Maureen

HARU

Has she ever

Pouted her lips

And called you 'Pookie'

MAI

Never

HARU

Have you ever doubted a kiss or two?

MAI

This is spooky

Did you swoon

When she walked through the door?

HARU

Every time - so be cautious

MAI

Did she moon over other boys--?

HARU

More than moon--

MAI

I'm getting nauseous

HARU

It's hard to do this backwards.

MAI

You should try it in heels!

She cheated

HARU

She cheated

MAI

Maureen cheated

HARU

Fuckin' cheated

MAI

I'm defeated

I should give up right now

HARU

Gotta loko on the bright side

With all of your might

MAI

I'd fall for her still anyhow

BOTH

When you're dancing her dance

You don't stand a chance

Her grip of romance

Makes you fall

HARU

So you think, 'might as well'

MAI

'Dance the Tango to Hell'

BOTH

'At least I'll have Tangoed at all'

The tango Maureen

Gotta dance til your diva is through

You pretend to believe her

Cause in the end - you can't leave her

But the end it wil come

Still you have to play dumb

Til you're glum and you bum

And turn blue

HARU

Why do we love when she's mean?

MAI

And she can be so obscene

HARU

Try the mike

MAI

My Maureen (een, een, een. . .)

HARU

Patched

MAI

Thanks

HARU

You know - I feel great now!

MAI

I feel lousy

BOTH

The Tango: Maureen!

Mai jumped down, "No way, I am NOT a lesbian."

"I know," Mistress Monster replied.

**Toph Monster**


	7. I Won't Say I'm In Love

Mistress Monster jumped up, "Toph, Katara, Mai and Ty Lee, get up there!"

The girls growned and walked up to the stage. Taang smiled and fed the lyrics into the teleprompter again.

Toph:

If there's a prize for rotten judgement

I guess I've already won that

No man is worth the aggravation

That's ancient history, been there, done that!

Katara, Ty Lee, and Mai: Who'd'ya think you're kiddin'

He's the Earth and heaven to you

Try to keep it hidden

Honey, we can see right through you

Girl, ya can't conceal it

We know how ya feel and

Who you're thinking of

Toph:

No chance, no way

I won't say it, no, no

Katara, Ty Lee, and Mai:

You swoon, you sigh

why deny it, uh-oh

Toph:

It's too cliche

I won't say I'm in love

I thought my heart had learned its lesson

It feels so good when you start out

My head is screaming get a grip, girl

Unless you're dying to cry your heart out

Oh

Katara, Ty Lee, and Mai:

You keep on denying

Who you are and how you're feeling

Baby, we're not buying

Hon, we saw ya hit the ceiling

Face it like a grown-up

When ya gonna own up

That ya got, got, got it bad

Toph:

No chance, now way

I won't say it, no, no

Katara, Ty Lee, and Mai:

Give up, give in

Check the grin you're in love

Toph:

This scene won't play,

I won't say I'm in love

Katara, Ty Lee, and Mai:

You're doin flips read our lips

You're in love

Toph:

You're way off base

I won't say it

Get off my case

I won't say it

Katara, Ty Lee, and Mai:

Girl, don't be proud

It's O.K. you're in love

Toph:

Oh

At least out loud,

I won't say I'm in love

"Who was I talking about?" Toph asked.

Mistress Monster smiked, "As if you don't know."

Toph and Aang looked at each other, "Oh…"

"WHAT?!" Meng screamed.

Mistress Monster rolled her eyes and sighed. Taang took the tazer from her and…

BZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZT!!

"Thanks, Taang."

"Anytime."

**Toph Monster**


	8. What Is This Feeling?

Mistress Monster giggled, "JET'S BACK!!"

"I thought you said I was going to have more solos!!!" Jet yelled.

"You will…" Mistress Monster replied, picking up the tazer. Jet cringed and looked at his singing partner, "Let's get this party started then.

Zuko shrugged, "I'm actually starting to like this."

"NOW BOYS!" Taang yelled.

Taang had put Smellerbee and Longshot on the stage, just to spice things up.

"I have to play a girl?" both boyys asked, staring at the teleprompter.

"LAST WICKED SONG I SWEAR!" Taang yelled, "And yes, you do."

JET

(spoken) Dearest darlingest Momsie and Popsical:

ZUKO

(spoken) My dear Father:

BOTH

There's been some confusion

Over rooming here at Shiz:

ZUKO

But of course, I'll care for Nessa:

JET

But of course, I'll rise above it:

BOTH

For I know that's how you'd want me to respond

Yes, there's been some confusion

For you see, my room-mate is:

JET

Unusually and exceedingly peculiar

And altogether quite impossible to describe:

Zuko chuckles before his next line.

ZUKO

Blonde.

JET

What is this feeling?

So sudden and new?

ZUKO

I felt it the moment

I laid eyes on you:

JET

My pulse is rushing:

ZUKO

My head is reeling:

JET

My face is flushing:

BOTH

What is this feeling?

Fervid as a flame,

Does it have a name?

Yes!:Loathing

Unadulterated loathing

JET

For your face

ZUKO

Your voice

JET

Your clothing

BOTH

Let's just say - I loathe it all

Ev'ry little trait, however small

Makes my very flesh begin to crawl

With simple utter loathing

There's a strange exhilaration

In such total detestation

It's so pure and strong!

Though I do admit it came on fast

Still I do believe that it can last

And I will be loathing

Loathing you

My whole life long!

LONGSHOT AND SMELLERBEE

Dear Galinda, you are just too good

How do you stand it? I don't think I could!

She's a terror! She's a Tartar!

We don't mean to show a bias,

But Galinda, you're a martyr!

JET

Well: these things are sent to try us!

LONGSHOT AND SMELLERBEE

Poor Galinda, forced to reside

With someone so disgusticified

We all just want to tell you:

We're all on your side!

We share your:

ALL

What is this feeling (Loathing)

So sudden and new? (Unadulterated loathing)

I felt the moment (For her face, her voice)

I laid eyes on you (Her clothing)

My pulse is rushing (Let's just say:)

My head is reeling (We loathe it all!)

Oh, what is this feeling? (Ev'ry little trait, however small)

Does it have a name? (Makes our very flesh)

Yes: (Begin to crawl:.)

Ahhh: Ahhh:

ALL

Loathing!

ALL

There's a strange exhilaration (Loathing)

In such total detestation (Loathing)

So pure, so strong (Loathing)

LONGSHOT AND SMELLERBEE

So strong!

JET AND ZUKO

Though I do admit it came on fast

Still I do believe that it can last

ALL

And I will be loathing (Loathing)

For forever loathing (Loathing)

Truly deeply loathing (Loathing) you

My whole (Loathing)

Life long! (Unadulterated loathing)

ZUKO

Boo!

"I did not hate him WHEN WE MET!" Jet yelled. Longshot rolled his eyes and pushed both boys off the stage, then he took Smellerbee's hand and walked calmly down the steps and into their seats.

"Thank you, Longshot," Taang replied.

BZZZZZZZZZZT!!

Mistress Monster had just tazed Jet, just for the hell of it.

**Toph Monster**


	9. Sun and Moon

"So… you LIKE the singing?" Jet asked from the audience.

The two shrugged, then noticed who they had to sing with.

"NOT AGAIN!" Zuko shouted.

"How many Zutara things are you gonna pull?" Katara asked.

"Until you're sick of 'em…" Taang replied.

"Yep, but really, I'm here to get those two together…" Mistress Monster replied, pointing to Aang and Toph, who were talking to each other and not really paying any attention.

Meng growled from her seat, and Mistress Monster kicked her out of her seat.

"No tazing?" Sokka asked.

Mistress Monster smirked and…

BZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZT!!

… tazed him. He fell in an awkward pile at Suki's feet.

"Why do you do that?" she asked.

Mistress Monster shrugged.

The music began.

KATARA

You are sunlight and I moon

Joined by the gods of fortune

Midnight and high noon

Sharing the sky

We have been blessed, you and I

ZUKO

You are here like a mystery

I'm from a world that's so different

From all that you are

How in the light of one night

Did we come so far?

KATARA

Outside day starts to dawn

ZUKO

Your moon still floats on high

KATARA

The birds awake

ZUKO

The stars shine too

KATARA

My hands still shake

ZUKO

I reach for you

BOTH

And we meet in the sky!

KATARA

You are sunlight and I moon

Joined here

Bright'ning the sky

With the flame

Of love

Both

Made of

Sunlight

Moonlight

Katara covered her mouth and ran back to her seat. Zuko raised an eyebrow at the telepromter, slipped on a banana peel, and landed in her lap.

"MOLESTATION?!" Taang yelled, standing up.

Sokka had awakened from his tazer happy dreams and had watched the entire thing. He had turned an astonishing shade of blue through it all…

Mistress Monster tugged on Taang's skirt, pulling her down, and said into her ear, "NO!"

**Toph Monster**


	10. Mix Tape

"Okay… you know what to do," Taang smiled.

Mistress Monster was on the edge of her feet, "Finally a duet with just Toph and Aang."

"Besides I'm Not Underwear Today…"

"That doesn't count…" Mistress Monster replied.

"Isn't this one from Avenue Q, too?" Taang asked, scanning her finger over her copy of the playlist… it was in brail, of course.

"Yup."

Toph:

Princeton.

He likes me.

I think he likes me.

But does he 'like me' like me,

Like I like him?

Will we be friends,

Or something more?

I think he's interested,

But I'm not sure.

Come in!

Aang:

Hiya, Kate!

Toph:

Princeton! Hi!

Aang:

Hi! Listen, I was going through my CDs

yesterday, and I kept coming across songs

I thought you'd like, so I made you this tape.

Toph:

Oh, that's so sweet!

Can I get you a drink? Or a snack?

Aang:

Actually, do you mind if I use your bathroom?

Toph:

Go right ahead.

Aang:

Oh, thank you!

Toph:

A mix tape.

He made a mix tape.

He was thinking of me,

Which shows he cares!

Sometimes when someone

Has a crush on you

They'll make you a mix tape

To give you a clue.

Let's see...

"You've Got A Friend"

"The Theme From 'Friends'"

"That's What Friends Are For"

Shit!

Oh, but look!

"A Whole New World"

"Kiss The Girl"

"My Cherie Amour"

Oh, Princeton! He does like me!

"I Am The Walrus"

"Fat Bottomed Girls"

"Yellow Submarine"

What does this mean?

Aang:

Hey Kate, you might wanna not go in there for a while.

Toph:

Princeton, thank you for this tape.

I was just looking at side A. Great songs!

Aang:

Oh, well, did you get to side B yet?

Toph:

No, not yet.

Aang:

Oh, it's great! Check it out.

Toph:

Yeah?

Aang:

Right here...

Toph:

"Stuck On You"

Aang:

"Love Me Do"

Toph:

"My Heart Will Go On"

I loved "Titanic"!

Aang:

Uhh, it was all right.

"She's Got A Way"

Toph:

"Yesterday"

Aang:

"Goodnight Saigon!"

From the Russia concert!

Toph:

Oh. Great.

"Through The Years"

Aang:

"The Theme From 'Cheers'"

Toph:

"Moving Right Along"

Nice tape.

Aang:

Oh, there's one more...

"I Have To Say I Love You In A Song"

Toph:

Princeton, that's so sweet!

I've never gotten such a nice present from a guy.

Aang:

Awww. Well, I'm glad you like it.

But, I have to go now. I'm gonna make one

for Brian and Christmas Eve and Gary and

Nicky and Rod and Trekkie Monster and everyone!

Toph:

Oh.

Aang:

Oh, and, uh -

Toph:

Yes?

Aang:

What are you doing tonight?

Toph:

Grading term papers. But it's kindergarten,

so they're very short. Why?

Aang:

Everyone's going to hear this singer at the

Around The Clock Cafe. Do you want to go with me?

Toph:

Like, a date?

Aang:

Sure! A date. It'll be a blast.

Toph:

I'd love to come!

Aang:

Okay! Well, I'll see you then.

Toph:

Okay!

Aang:

Okay, bye.

Toph:

Bye!

He likes me!

The two singers looked at the audience blushing madly.

"Come on… kiss, kiss…" Mistress Monster was muttering.

Taang looked at her weirdly, "You and your Hetero."

"You and your Slash."

Finally, Aang sighed and took Toph's hand. Katara squealed and flung her arms around Zuko, and didn't let go.

"YES!" both Mistress Monster and Taang yelled.

Their pairings were finally together.

"When are we gonna sing?" Suki and Ty Lee asked.

"We'll figure something out."

**Toph Monster**


	11. Take Me or Leave Me

"Suki! Ty Lee! You're song!" Mistress Monster yelled, Suki and Ty Lee looked tentatively at each other and then started singing. Mistress Monster kept the tazer on Sokka's neck, and her butcher knife under Haru's chin, just in case.

TY LEE

Every single day

I walk down the street

I hear people say,

"Baby's so sweet"

Every since puberty

Everybody stares at me

Boys-girls

I can't help it baby

So be kind

Don't lose your mind

Just remember that I'm your baby

Take me for what I am

Who I was meant to be

And if you give a damn

Take me baby or leave me

Take me baby or leave me

A tiger in a cage

Can never see the sun

This diva needs her stage

Baby - let's have fun!

You are the one I choose

Folks' would kill to fill your shoes

You love the limelight too, baby

So be mine or don't waste my time

Cryin' - "Honeybear - Are you still my, my, my baby?"

Take me for what I am

Who I was meant to be

And if you give a damn

Take me baby or leave me

No way - Can I be what I'm not

But hey - Don't you want your girl hot!

Don't fight - Don't lose your head

Cause every night- Who's in your bed?

Before they could go on, Taang stood on her chair and yelled, "FEMMSLASH!"

Mistress Monster sighed and looked over at Jet, who pulled the young girl down and strapped her to her chair.

Ty lee sighed and continued singing.

TY LEE

Who's in your bed, baby?

Kiss, Pooky?

SUKI

It won't work

I look before I leap

I love margins and discipline

I make lists in my sleep

Baby what's my sin?

Never quit - I follow through

I hate mess - but I love you

What to do

With my impromptu baby

So be wise

This girl satisfies

You've got a prize but don't compromise

You're one lucky baby

Take me for what I am

TY LEE

A control freak

SUKI

Who I was meant to be

TY LEE

A snob - yet over-attentive

SUKI

And if you give a damn

TY LEE

A loveable, droll geek

SUKI

Take me baby or leave me

TY LEE

And anal retentive

BOTH

That's it!

SUKI

The straw that breaks my back

BOTH

I quit

SUKI

Unless you take it back

BOTH

Women

TY LEE

What is it about them?

BOTH

Can't live -

With them -

Or without them!

Take me for what I am

Who I was meant to be

And if you give a damn

Take me baby or leave me

Take me baby

Or leave me

Guess I'm leavin'

I'm gone!

"What an odd couple," Taang replied, "… I like it!"

"We don't!" Sokka and Haru yelled.

BZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZT!!

Mistress Monster tazed Haru.

BZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZT!!

Then she tazed Sokka.

"Shut up, lover boys."

**Toph Monster**


	12. Agony

The two people on the stage looked at each other, "Oh… no."

"NOT A LOVE SONG!!" Taang yelled.

Mistress Monster raised her tazer, and Aang and Zuko cringed and began to sing.

ZUKO

Did I abuse her

Or show her disdain?

Why does she run from me?

If I should lose her,

How shall I regain

The heart she has won from me?

Agony!

Beyond power of speech,

When the one thing you want

Is the only thing out of your reach.

AANG

High in her tower,

She sits by the hour,

Maintaining her hair.

Blithe and becoming and frequently humming

A lighthearted air:

Ah-ah-ah-ah-ah-ah-ah-

Agony!

Far more painful than yours,

When you know she would go with you

If there only were doors.

BOTH

Agony!

Oh, the torture they teach!

AANG

What's as intriguing-

ZUKO

Or half so fatiguing-

BOTH

As what's out of reach?

ZUKO

Am I not sensitive,

Clever,

Well-mannered,

Considerate,

Passionate,

Charming,

As kind as I'm handsome

And heir to a throne?

AANG

You are everything maidens could wish for!

ZUKO

Then why no-?

AANG

Do I know?

ZUKO

The girl must be mad!

AANG

You know nothing of madness

Till you're climbing her hair

And you see her up there

AS you're nearing her,

All the while hearing her:

Ah-ah-ah-ah-ah-ah-ah-ah-

BOTH

Agony!

ZUKO

Misery!

AANG

Woe!

BOTH

Though it's different for each.

ZUKO

Always ten steps behind-

AANG

Always ten feet below-

BOTH

And she's just out of reach.

Agony

That can cut like a knife!

I must have her to wife.

"That was Into The Woods, wasn't it?" Sokka asked, yelling across the theatre. He did NOT want to be tazed again.

Taang nodded.

"Who were we singing to?" Aang asked.

"Do you HAVE to ask?" Mistress Monster asked.

Toph and Katara immediately blushed, "We're too young," they whispered to… no one in particular.

**Toph Monster**


	13. He's A Tramp

Smellerbee stood on the stage, "FINALLY!"

"Aww… little Bee gets a solo," Jet said to Longshot, who was smiling widely.

The music started.

SMELLERBEE

He's a tramp

But I love him

Breaks a new heart

Ev'ry day

He's a tramp

They adore him

And I only hope

He'll stay that way

He's a tramp

He's a scoundrel

He's a rounder

He's a cad

He's a tramp

But I love him

Yes, and even I

Have got it pretty bad

You can never tell

When he'll show up

He gives you

Plenty of trouble

I guess he's just a

No 'count pup

But I wish that he

Were double

He's a tramp

He's a rover

And there's nothing

More to say

If he's a tramp

He's a good one

And I wish that I

Could travel his way

"Hey! It's Jet!" she shouted, running back to her seat.

"Exactly what I said," Mistress Monster replied.

**Toph Monster**


	14. Point Of No Return

Zuko and Katara stood on stage, glaring at poor Mistress Monster and Taang, who shrugged and picked up the tazer and the butcher knife.

The music started. Sokka was on the edge of his seat, glaring at both Zuko and Mistress Monster.

ZUKO

You have come here

in pursuit of

your deepest urge,

in pursuit of

that wish,

which till now

has been silent,

silent . . .

I have brought you,

that our passions

may fuse and merge -

in your mind

you've already

succumbed to me

dropped all defences

completely succumbed to me -

now you are here with me:

no second thoughts,

you've decided,

decided . . .

Past the point

of no return -

no backward glances:

the games we've played

till now are at

an end . . .

Past all thought

of "if" or "when" -

no use resisting:

abandon thought,

and let the dream

descend . . .

What raging fire

shall flood the soul?

What rich desire

unlocks its door?

What sweet seduction

lies before

us . . .?

Past the point

of no return,

the final threshold -

what warm,

unspoken secrets

will we learn?

Beyond the point

of no return . . .

KATARA

You have brought me

to that moment

where words run dry,

to that moment

where speech

disappears

into silence,

silence . . .

I have come here,

hardly knowing

the reason why . . .

In my mind,

I've already

imagined our

bodies entwining

defenceless and silent -

and now I am

here with you:

no second thoughts,

I've decided,

decided . . .

Past the point

of no return -

no going back now:

our passion-play

has now, at last,

begun . . .

Past all thought

of right or wrong -

one final question:

how long should we

two wait, before

we're one . . .?

When will the blood

begin to race

the sleeping bud

burst into bloom?

When will the flames,

at last, consume

us . . .?

BOTH

Past the point

of no return

the final threshold -

the bridge

is crossed, so stand

and watch it burn . . .

We've passed the point

of no return . . .

Sokka stood up, but Jet sat him back down, "Get it in your head, Sokka. She and Zuko are an item. Toph and Aang are an item. You and Suki are an item, Longshot and Smellerbee are an item, Haru and Ty Lee are an item. Me and… I feel very along now…" he sat down and began to sulk.

Mistress Monster looked at Mai and smirked.

"And Musicals strike again at getting two unsuspecting people together…"

**Toph Monster**


	15. Start of Something New

Jet stood on stage, "Okay… so who am I singing with? Hopefully not Toph or Zuko. Never again, please."

"Nope, we promise… I think," Taang replied.

Mistress Monster finished the last touch-ups on her playlist and sent Mai up.

"You?" Jet asked.

"Whatever," Mai replied.

Music started out of nowhere.

Jet:

Living in my own world

Didn't understand

That anything can happen

When you take a chance

Mai:

I never believed in

What I couldn't see

I never opened my heart

To all the possibilities

Both: I know that something has changed

Never felt this way

And right here tonight

This could be the start

Of something new

It feels so right

To be here with you

And now looking in your eyes

I feel in my heart

The start of something new

Jet: Now who'd of ever thought that

We'd both be here tonight

Mai: And the world looks so much brighter

With you by my side

Both: I know that something has changed

Never felt this way

I know it for real

This could be the start

Of something new

It feels so right

To be here with you

And now looking in your eyes

I feel in my heart

The start of something new

Jet: I never knew that it could happen

Till it happened to me

Mai: I didn't know it before

But now it's easy to see

Both: It's a start

Of something new

It feels so right

To be here with you

And now looking in your eyes

I feel in my heart

That it's the start

Of something new

It feels so right

To be here with you

And now looking in your eyes

I feel in my heart

The start of something new

Start of something new

"And that's exactly how Troy and Gabriella got together in the movie, Uh!" Mistress Monster said, standing up and doing a strange pelvic thrust thing.

Mai and Jet blushed and ran back to there seats.

"We will have more, right?" Taang asked.

Mistress Monster nodded. Meng arose from her place on the floor and, because she was so happy, Mistress Monster took the tazer up to the small girl's nec and…

BZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZT!!

Cause she hadn't tazed anyone for a while.

**Toph Monster**


	16. Breaking Free

The two singers grumbled, "We're together now! What more do you want?"

"Mindless fluff," Mistress Monster replied, whipping out the camera from Taang's pants.

"HEY! My Stuff Pocket, no touchy!" Taang yelled.

"My camera, NO TOUCHY!" Mistress Monster replied, starting the music and the camera, "Smile for the camera, you two!"

Aang:

We're soarin', flyin'

There's not a star in heaven

That we can't reach

Toph:

If we're trying

So we're breaking free

Aang:

You know the world can see us

In a way that's different than who we are

Toph:

Creating space between us

'Til we're separate hearts

Both:

But your faith it gives me strength

Strength to believe

Chorus #1

Aang:

We're breakin' free

Toph:

We're soarin'

Aang:

Flyin'

Both:

There's not a star in heaven

That we can't reach

Aang:

If we're trying

Both:

Yeah, we're breaking free

Aang:

Oh, we're breakin' free

Toph:

Ohhhh

Aang:

Can you feel it building

Like a wave the ocean just can't control

Toph:

Connected by a feeling

Ohhh, in our very souls

Both:

Rising 'til it lifts us up

So every one can see

Chorus #2

Aang: We're breakin' free

Toph: We're soarin'

Aang: Flyin'

Both:

There's not a star in heaven

That we can't reach

Aang:

If we're trying

Yeah we're breaking free

Toph:

Ohhhh runnin'

Aang:

Climbin'

To get to that place

Both:

To be all that we can be

Aang:

Now's the time

Both:

So we're breaking free

Aang:

We're breaking free

Toph:

Ohhh , yeah

Aang:

More than hope

More than faith

Toph:

This is true

This is fate

And together

Both:

We see it comin'

Aang:

More than you

More than me

Toph:

Not a want, but a need

Both:

Both of us breakin' free

Chorus #3

Toph: Soarin'

Aang: Flyin'

Both:

There's not a star in heaven

That we can't reach

If we're trying

Aang: Yeah we're breaking free

Toph:

Breaking free

Were runnin'

Aang:

Ohhhh, climbin'

Both:

To get to the place

To be all that we can be

Now's the time

Aang: Now's the time

Toph: So we're breaking free

Aang: Ohhh, we're breaking free

Toph: Ohhhh

Both:

You know the world can see us

In a way that's different than who we are

"OMG! SQUEE!" Katara yelled, "that fit so well!"

"Great, Katara's become a Taang fan girl," Sokka said, sulking.

"Why do you sulk about Toph and Aang, I thought that was just Zuko and your sister?" Jet asked.

"I… I like salad."

"You like Toph?" Smellerbee asked.

"No."

"You like… Aang?" Jet asked, looking at Suki.

"I… yeah, but just a little bit.."

"I KNOW THE NEXT SONG THEN!" Taang yelled.

Toph Monster 


	17. Fantasies Come True

Sokka sat on stage with Aang, Smellerbee and Longshot.

They were glaring daggers at Taang.

Well, at least Aang and Sokka… as well as Toph and Suki, who had formed an allience just for this purpose.

"Only one song together, I swear," Taang promised, changing the playlist yet again.

Mistress Monster shrugged and started the music.

SOKKA

It sure can get lonely at night. Nicky, you awake?

AANG

Ah, is that a unicorn?

SOKKA

Ugh, he's talking in his sleep again.

AANG

No, I'll wear the purple shoes. Hh, who painted the kitten?

SOKKA

Ugh, maybe I should just shake him.

AANG

I love you, Rod

SOKKA

What did you say?

AANG

I love your little laugh

SOKKA

Nicky? Are you awake?

AANG

Take off your shirt

SOKKA

Oh Nicholas! Have you been shy all this time?

Have we been... hiding from each other? I wonder...

All those nights

I'd lay in bed

Thoughts of you

Running through my head

AANG

I know, put my earmuffs on the cookie

SOKKA

But I never thought

The things in my head

Could really happen

In my bed

AANG

You look like David Hasselhoff

SOKKA

All those years

I missed the signs

Couldn't read

Between the lines

Who'd have thought

I would see the day

Where I'd hear you say

What I heard you say

And now I find

What was always in my mind was in your mind too

Who knew? Fantasies come true

And now I see

That what I always dreamed of was meant to be

You and me and you, fantasies come true

MUSICAL INTERLUDE

SOKKA

You and me lived in fantasy

But we'll be a reality

LONDSHOT

Kate, that was amazing!

SMELLERBEE

You're amazing

LONDSHOT

Heh, I want you to have this. It's a penny I carry around with me for good luck. It's from the year I was born,

see? Who knows? Maybe it'll bring you good luck. It did for me. I found you.

I want you to know

The time that we've spent

How great it's been

How much it's meant

SMELLERBEE

Gosh, I don't know what to say

I'm really glad you feel that way

Cuz I'm afraid

That I like you more

Than I've ever liked

Any guy before

SOKKA SMELLERBEE

Cuz now Cuz now

My love My love

BOTH

I'm getting what I've always been dreaming of

SOKKA SMELLERBEE

So are you Oh Baby

BOTH

Fantasies come true

SMELLERBEE SOKKA

And now And now

I swear I swear that

BOTH

When you want me I'm gonna be right there

SOKKA SMELLERBEE

To care To care

BOTH

For you

SMELLERBEE

That's what I'm gonna do

SOKKA SMELLERBEE

And make your fantasies Fantasies

BOTH

Come true

SOKKA

Fantasies come true

AANG

Uh, hey Rod, buddy, you're talking in your sleep.

SOKKA

Oh, I thought you were talking in your sleep...

AANG

No I just came to bed. Heh, you're dreamin' is all.

SOKKA

Oh.

AANG

Sounded like a nice dream, though.

SOKKA

Yes it was a nice dream.

AANG

Goodnight!

SOKKA

Goodnight, Nicky.

Sokka scowled and ran into Suki's arms, "Never again."

"Right," Mistress Monster said, giving him a thumbs up.

**Toph Monster**


	18. If You Were Gay

The two singers looks at each other and smiled, "I haven't sung with you, buddy," Jet said.

Longshot nodded and wondered why he was singing with Jet, fearing the worst.

Smart man, Longshot, smart man.

JET

Aah, an afternoon alone with

My favorite book, "Broadway

Musicals of the 1940s."

No roommate to bother me.

How could it get any better than this?

LONGSHOT

Oh,hi Rod!

JET

Hi Nicky.

LONGSHOT

Hey Rod, you'll never

Guess what happened to

Me on the subway this morning.

This guy was smiling at me and talking to me

JET

That's very interesting.

LONGSHOT

He was being real friendly,

And I think he was coming on to me.

I think he might've thought I was gay!

JET

Ahem, so, uh, why are you telling me this?

Why should I care?

I don't care.

What did you have for lunch today?

LONGSHOT

Oh, you don't have to get

All defensive about it, Rod...

JET

I'm NOT getting defensive!

What do I care about some gay guy you met, okay?

I'm trying to read.

LONGSHOT

Oh, I didn't mean anything by it, Rod.

I just think it's something we should be able to talk about.

JET

I don't want to talk about it,

Nicky! This conversation is over!!!

LONGSHOT

Yeah, but...

JET

OVER!!!

LONGSHOT

Well, okay, but just so you know —

IF YOU WERE GAY

THAT'D BE OKAY.

I MEAN 'CAUSE, HEY,

I'D LIKE YOU ANYWAY.

BECAUSE YOU SEE,

IF IT WERE ME,

I WOULD FEEL FREE

TO SAY THAT I WAS GAY

(BUT I'M NOT GAY.)

JET

Nicky, please!

I am trying to read...

What?!

LONGSHOT

IF YOU WERE QUEER

JET

Ah, Nicky!

LONGSHOT

I'D STILL BE HERE,

JET

Nicky, I'm trying to read this book.

LONGSHOT

YEAR AFTER YEAR

JET

Nicky!

LONGSHOT

BECAUSE YOU'RE DEAR

TO ME,

JET

Argh!

LONGSHOT

AND I KNOW THAT YOU

JET

What?

LONGSHOT

WOULD ACCEPT ME TOO,

JET

I would?

LONGSHOT

IF I TOLD YOU TODAY,

"HEY! GUESS WHAT,

I'M GAY!"

(BUT I'M NOT GAY.)

I'M HAPPY

JUST BEING WITH YOU.

JET

High Button Shoes, Pal Joey...

LONGSHOT

SO WHAT SHOULD IT

MATTER TO ME

WHAT YOU DO IN BED

WITH GUYS?

JET

Nicky, that's GROSS!

LONGSHOT

No it's not!

IF YOU WERE GAY

I'D SHOUT HOORAY!

JET

I am not listening!

LONGSHOT

AND HERE I'D STAY,

JET

La la la la la!

LONGSHOT

BUT I WOULDN'T GET

IN YOUR WAY.

JET

Aaaah!

LONGSHOT

YOU CAN COUNT ON ME

TO ALWAYS BE

BESIDE YOU EVERY DAY,

TO TELL YOU IT'S OKAY,

YOU WERE JUST BORN

THAT WAY,

AND, AS THEY SAY,

IT'S IN YOUR DNA,

YOU'RE GAY!

JET

BUT I'M NOT GAY!

LONGSHOT

If you were gay.

JET

Argh!

Sokka turned to Mistress Monster, "Avenue Q, eh?"

"Last one for now, Sokka-kins," Mistress Monster replied, smiling.

"She's smiling! DUCK AND COVER!" Aang yelled.

"Why are you so happy, Miz Monster?" Suki asked.

"She's in love…" Taang replied, whispering hoarsely.

All the girls squealed with delight, then Zuko asked, "What's wrong with you, Taangers?"

"Taangers?" Aang asked, getting out from under his chair, but first he hit his head on the bottom of the seat and got his bald head stuck in the gum.

"I heard Mistress Monster say it…"

"AHEM! Taang has a cold, and I'm NOT gonna say who I like!" Mistress Monster yelled.

BZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZT

Meng fell to the floor, next to a very strange looking sock.

"Did you have to taze both Meng and Ed the sock?" Toph asked.

Mistress Monster shrugged and sat back in her chair, content.


	19. You'll Be In My Heart

Longshot narrowed his eyes.

"Yes, Longshot, you have one more song. But your alone this time, okay?" Mistress Monster asked, raising the tazer angrily.

Longshot: Come stop your crying

It will be all right

Just take my hand

Hold it tight

I will protect you

from all around you

I will be here

Don't you cry

For one so small,

you seem so strong

My arms will hold you,

keep you safe and warm

This bond between us

can't be broken

I will be here

Don't you cry

'Cause you'll be in my heart

Yes, you'll be in my heart

From this day on

Now and forever more

You'll be in my heart

No matter what they say

You'll be here

in my heart always

Always

"Who was he singing to?" Jet asked.

Mistress Monster jumped up, "SQUEE! SMELLERSHOT!!"

"What?" Sokka asked.

"What's a smellershot?" Toph asked.

"It's not A smellershot, it's just Smellershot," Mistress Monster replied, "And it's the pairing Longshot and Smellerbee… WHICH WILL BE CANON EVEN IF TAANG AND ZUTARA ARE NOT!"

The avatar cast looked at the insane lady strangely, then at their significant other.


	20. Bells Of Notre Dame

"OMG!" Mistress Monster yelled, "Guess who's here?"

"Who?" Taang croaked.

"JIA YU of course!" Mistress Monster yelled, as the a-fore-mentioned Canadian entered.

"Toph Monster!" Jia Yu yelled dramatically.

"Jia Yu!" Mistress Monster yelled, equally as dramatic.

They ran up to each other and did some strange Canadian/American handshake/dance/old lady walk/someone on cactus juice thing and returned to some seat in the audience.

"And with that, Jet, Ozai, Avatar Roku, Ursa, Iroh, Zhou and Smellerbee get up there!" Jia Yu yelled.

"It's not creepy like the last one… it's Disney, god," Mistress Monster said, raising the tazer.

"Damn," Avatar Roku cursed, and got up on stage.

Clopin:

Morning in Paris, the city awakes

To the bells of Notre Dame

The fisherman fishes, the bakerman bakes

To the bells of Notre Dame

To the big bells as loud as the thunder

To the little bells soft as a psalm

And some say the soul of the city's

The toll of the bells

The bells of Notre Dame

Listen, they're beautiful, no?

So many colors of sound, so many changing moods

Because you know, they don't ring all by themselves

Smellerbee:

They don't? –

Jet:

No, silly boy.

Smellerbee slaps him, Jia Yu and Mistress Monster laugh their asses off.

Jet rubs his cheek, gesturing to the teleprompter. Smellerbee glares at Mistress Monster and Jia Yu. Taang gestures for Jet to continue. He does:

Up there, high, high in the dark bell tower

lives the mysterious bell ringer.

Who is this creature –Smellerbee: Who? -

What is he? –Smellerbee: What? -

How did he come to be there –Smellerbee: How? -

Hush, and Clopin will tell you

It is a tale, a tale of a man and a monster.

Dark was the night when our tale was begun

On the docks near Notre Dame

Iroh:

Shup it up, will you!

We'll be spotted!

Ursa:

Hush, little one.

Jet:

Four frightened gypsies slid silently under

The docks near Notre Dame

Iroh:

Four guilders for safe passage into Paris

Jet:

But a trap had been laid for the gypsies

And they gazed up in fear and alarm

At a figure whose clutches

Were iron as much as the bells

Iroh:

Judge Claude Frollo

Jet:

The bells of Notre Dame

Smellerbee and Avatar Roku:

Kyrie Eleison (Lord have mercy)

Jet:

Judge Claude Frollo longed

To purge the world

Of vice and sin

Smellerbee and Avatar Roku:

Kyrie Eleison (Lord have mercy)

Jet:

And he saw corruption

Ev'rywhere

Except within

Ozai:

Bring these gypsy vermin to the palace of justice

Zhou:

You there, what are you hiding?

Ozai:

Stolen goods, no doubt. Take them from her

Jet:

She ran

Avatar Roku (because Smellerbee gave up on all the hard words.):

Dies irae, dies illa (Day of wrath, that day)

Solvet saeclum in favilla (Shall consume the world in ashes)

Teste David cum sibylla (As prophesied by David and the sibyl)

Quantus tremor est futurus (What trembling is to be)

Quando Judex est venturus (When the Judge is come)

Ursa:

Sanctuary, please give us sanctuary

Ozai:

A baby? A monster!

Avatar Roku:

Stop!

Jet:

Cried the Archdeacon

Ozai:

This is an unholy deamon.

I'm sending it back to hell, where it belongs.

Avatar Roku:

See there the innocent blood you have spilt

On the steps of Notre Dame

Ozai:

I am guiltless. She ran, I pursued.

Avatar Roku:

Now you would add this child's blood to your guilt

On the steps of Notre Dame

Ozai:

My conscience is clear

Avatar Roku:

You can lie to yourself and your minions

You can claim that you haven't a qualm

But you never can run from

Nor hide what you've done from the eyes

The very eyes of Notre Dame

Smellerbee:

Kyrie Eleison (Lord have mercy)

Jet:

And for one time in his live

Of power and control

Smellerbee and Avatar Roku:

Kyrie Eleison (Lord have mercy)

Jet:

Frollo felt a twinge of fear

For his immortal soul

Ozai:

What must I do?

Avatar Roku:

Care for the child, and raise it as your own

Ozai:

What? I'd be settled with this misshapen ..?

Very well. Let him live with you, in your church.

Avatar Roku:

Live here? Where?

Ozai:

Anywhere

Just so he's kept locked away

Where no one else can see

The bell tower, perhaps

And who knows, our Lord works in mysterious ways

Even this foul creature may

Yet prove one day to be

Of use to me

Jet:

And Frollo gave the child a cruel name

A name that means half-formed, Quasimodo

Now here is a riddle to guess if you can

Sing the bells of Notre Dame

Who is the monster and who is the man?

All on stage:

Sing the bells, bells, bells, bells

Bells, bells, bells, bells

Bells of Notre Dame

"What the hell was that?" Ozai asked.

"That, was the Bells of Notre Dame," Mistress Monster answered proudly.

"AKA: the birth of Scarface over there," Taang replied, and coughed shortly afterwords.

Zuko crossed his arms and began to sulk.

Ozai paused, and opened his mouth to speak.

BZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZT!!

Mistress Monster tazed him and Zhou, and sent them down via trap door to the dungeons below the stage.

"THANK YOU!" Iroh and Ursa yelled, and went off in various directions, Iroh to the bar in the back (which sold tea and cactus juice) and Ursa to Zuko. Cue up the Sound of Music music.


	21. Bop To The Toph

"WHY AM I ON STAGE!" Azula yelled, "WITH MY BROTHER, OF ALL PEOPLE!"

"I DEMAND AN AGNI KAI, MISTRESS MONSTER!" Zuko yelled.

"I'm denying you your Agni Kai, 1) because I am an Earthbender, and 2) I DON'T HAVE ALL DAY FOR YOU TO START THE GODDAMNED SONG!" Mistress Monster yelled.

Jia Yu poked Mistress Monster in the ribs, "Can I take out the ear plugs now?"

"Hold on…"Mistress Monster replied, putting up her finger.

"WHY DO I HAVE TO BE IN THIS DRESS?!" Azula asked, pointing to the blue frilly dress she was in. Zuko was wearing what looked like a salsa costume.

'BECAUSE IT FITS WITH THE PLOT OF THE MUSICAL THIS SONG IS FEATURED IN! And because it's fun to torture you non-violently… but maybe violent is the way to go…" Mistress Monster said, trailing off. She put the tazer to the back of Meng's now conscious neck and…

"Can I taze her?" Jia Yu asked.

Mistress Monster nodded, handing her the tazer.

BZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZT!!

Meng was toast.

"TOAST!" Aang yelled, quite randomly.

Everyone stared, then Azula and Mistress Monster continued their shouting match.

"I HATE THIS DRESS!"

"DEAL WITH IT, PRINCESS!"

"I HATE YOU!"

Taang whispered something to Mistress Monster, who did a little wavey thing with her hands, and Azula's dress turned a surprising red color.

"Thank you," Azula said, grinning.

Jia Yu removed the ear plugs from her ears, breathing out slowly.

"Just sing," Mistress Monster replied, taking a drink of water.

Azula:

I believe in dreamin'

Shootin' for the stars

Zuko:

Baby to be number one

You've got to raise the bar

Azula:

Kickin' and a scratchin'

Grindin' out my best

Zuko:

Anything it takes

To climb the ladder of success

Both:

Work our tails off every day

Gotta bump the competition

Blow them all away

Azula:

Yeah we're gonna

Both:

Bop, bop, bop

Bop to the top

Zuko:

Slip and slide and ride that rhythm

Both:

Jump and hop hop 'til we drop

Azula:

And start again

Zip zap zop

Pop like a mop

Zuko:

Scoot around the corner

Both:

Move it to the groove

'Til the music stops

Do the bop bop, bop to the top

Don't ever stop

Bop to the top

Gimmie, gimmie

Shimmy shimmy

Shake some booty and turn around

Flash a smile in their direction

Azula:

Show some muscle

Zuko:

Do the hustle

Both:

Yeah we're gonna bop, bop, bop

Bop to the top

Zuko:

Wipe away your inhibitions

Both:

Stump, stump, stump do the rump

Azula:

And strut your stuff

Both:

Bop, bop, bop

Straight to the top

Going for the glory

We'll keep stepping up

And we just won't stop

'Til we reach the top

Bop to the top!

Jet, Smellerbee and Longshot removed the earplugs from their ears while Jia Yu and Mistress Monster continued to laugh their asses off.

"Why must you do that to them?" Mai asked, wrapping her arms around Jet.

"Did you listen when I introduced myself? I am the evil Toph Monster…"

"Oh," Mai replied.

"You haven't done a Taang song since I've—" Jia Yu started.

"Hush! All in a day's work, Jia, honey," Mistress Monster hissed.


	22. A Heart Full Of Love

"Taang?" Jia Yu asked, giving Mistress Monster the puppy dog eyes.

Mistress Monster rolled her eyes and nodded.

"Aang! Toph! And… damn it Taang, your gonna kill me one day!" she screeched, looking at the playlist.

"IT FITS!" Taang yelled.

"Fine… Meng, go up with Toph and Aang…" Mistress Monster said, almost crying.

Meng squealed and ran up to the stage, glomping onto Aang. She was oblivious that Toph and Aang were an item.

Jia Yu patted Mistress Monster on the back as the music started.

Aang:

_A heart full of love_

_A heart full of song_

_I'm doing everything all wrong_

_Oh God, for shame_

_I do not even know your name_

_Dear Mademoiselle_

_Won't you say?_

_Will you tell?_

Toph:

_A heart full of love_

_No fear, no regret_

Aang:

_My name is Marius Pontmercy_

Toph:

_And mine's Cosette_

Aang:

_Cosette, I don't know what to say_

Toph:

_Then make no sound_

Aang:

_I am lost_

Toph:

_I am found!_

Aang:

_A heart full of light_

Toph:

_A night bright as day_

Aang:

_And you must never go away_

_Cosette, Cosette_

Toph:

_This is a chain we'll never break_

Aang:

_Do I dream?_

Toph:

_I'm awake!_

Aang/ Meng:

_A heart full of love / He was never mine to lose_

Toph/ Meng:

_A heart full of you / Why regret what could not be?_

Aang/ Meng:

_A single look and then I knew. / These are words he'll never say_

Toph/ Meng:

_I knew it too. / Not to me..._

Aang/ Meng:

_From today... / Not to me..._

Toph/ Meng:

_Every day / Not for me..._

Both/ Meng:

_For it isn't a dream / His heart full of love_

_Not a dream / He will never_

_After all/ Feel this way..._

Mistress Monster ran up onto the stage and tazed Meng, and then opened the trap door and threw her unconscious body down with Ozai and Zhou. "INCOMING!" she yelled.

"I hope they don't _do_ anything to her…" Sokka said from the bar at the back. He had a glass of something pale green. Mistress Monster stormed up to him and…

BZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZT!!

She tazed him and took his glass of cactus juice, drinking the glass in one drop.

"She really hates Meng…?" Jia Yu asked as Mistress Monster went on to her next glass of cactus juice.

Taang nodded.

"Uh, oh…" Toph said as she sat down, Mistress Monster was now going up to the stage and music came out of nowhere…


	23. Baby One More Time

Jet, Zuko and Aang slid in their seats, remembering the video about them that started with this type of music. Gay threesomes weren't their favorite things in the whole world.

Jia Yu and Taang widened their eyes.

Mistress Monster:

(Oh baby baby, oh baby baby)

Oh baby baby, how was I supposed to know

that something wasn't right here

Oh baby baby, I shouldn't have let you go

and now you're out of sight, yeah

Show me how you want it to be

tell me baby cause I need to know now

oh because

CHORUS

My loneliness is killin' me (and I)

I must confess I still believe (still believe)

When I'm not with you I lose my mind

give me a sign,

hit me baby one more time

Oh baby, baby, the reason I breathe is you

Boy you've got me blinded

Oh pretty baby, there's nothin' that I wouldn't do

It's not the way I planned it

show me how you want it to be

tell me baby cause I need to know now

oh because

CHORUS

Oh baby baby, how was I supposed to know

Oh pretty baby, I shouldn't have let you go

I must confess that my loneliness

is killing me now

don't you know I still believe

that you will be here

and give me a sign

hit me baby one more time

CHORUS

I must confess (my loneliness)

that my loneliness (is killing me)

Is killing me now (I must confess)

Don't you know I still believe

that you will be here (im losin' my mind)

and give me a sign

hit me baby one more time…

And she collapsed on the floor.

Azula began laughing evilly, while Longshot, Aang, Smellerbee and Toph ran on stage.

"WE NEED A MEDIC!" Smellerbee was shouting.

"How do you O.D. on cactus juice?" Zuko asked.

Katara shrugged and tried to remember that one time in the desert…


	24. You Can Be As Loud As The Hell You Want

After throwing up for five hours in a row, Mistress Monster came back into the room. Suddenly, Jia Yu burst in from the door that lead down to the dungeons. She was panting heavily and trying her hardest not to laugh.

"What is it?" Taang asked, her cold definitely gotten over.

"Meng… Zhou… Ozai! THREESOME DOWNSTAIRS!" Jia Yu yelled.

Mistress Monster sighed, "Sokka was right…"

Sokka jumped up and squealed loudly, "HA!"

Mistress Monster shook her head and yelled, "Toph, Aang, Smellerbee, Longshot, Mai, Sokka, Ty Lee and Jet, please report to the stage before I kill someone."

Taang and Jia Yu stared at her, "Umm?"

Mistress Monster then burst out laughing, "Oh, thank you Avenue Q…"

Taang and Jia Yu: Ah, crap on a stick…

Mai:

Take her home!

Ty Lee:

She's wasted!

Mai and Ty Lee:

Yaaay!

Smellerbee:

My God, Princeton! Right there! Right there!

That's the spot - that's the spot - okay, a little lower -

okay, now to the left - no, my left - ohhhhhhhhhhhh!

Longshot:

Oh, my God, Kate, no one's ever touched me like this

before - you can't put your finger there -

OOH! PUT YOUR FINGER THERE!

Both:

Oh, yeah!

Jet:

You can be as loud as

The hell you want

When you're making love

Mai and Ty Lee:

When you're making love!

Jet:

You can be as loud as

The hell you want

When you're making love!

Mai and Ty Lee:

When you're making love!

Jet:

You can be as loud as

The hell you want

When you're making love!

Mai and Ty Lee:

When you're making love!

Jet:

You can be as loud as

The hell you want...

Smellerbee/Longshot:

Ahhhhhhh!

Jet:

Gary Coleman! You hear what?

Hell no, I won't tell them to quiet down!

Smellerbee:

Are we being too loud?

Longshot:

Yeah are we bothering someone?

Jet:

Oh, no, not at all, kids!

You keep doing what you're doing.

Mai and Ty Lee:

Yeah! Louder!

Jet:

You're not allowed to be loud

At the library

At the art museum

Or at a play

But when you and your partner

Are doing the nasty

Don't behave like you're

At the ballet!

Cause you can be as loud as

The hell you want

When you're making love

Mai and Ty Lee:

Making sweet, sweet love

Jet:

You can be as loud as

The hell you want

When you're making love

Mai and Ty Lee:

Loud as the hell!

Loud as the hell you want!

Jet:

Don't let the neighbors

Stop you from havin' fun,

They'll have peace and quiet

When you're good and done.

All:

Be as loud as

The hell you want

When you're making love!

Loud as the hell you want...

Smellerbee:

Faster, Princeton!

Toph:

Brian, slow down! This not a race!

All:

Loud as the hell you want...

Longshot:

Oh, yeah!

Aang:

Who's your daddy?

Toph:

What? Brian!

All:

Loud as the hell you want...

Loud as the hell you want...

Jet:

Smack it and lick it and rub it and suck it!

All:

Loud as the hell you want...

Toph:

Yes! Work your mama!

All:

Loud as the hell you-

Smellerbee:

Oh yeah, that's it!

Aang:

Ooh, babe!

Sokka:

Uhhhhhhhhhhhhh!

All:

Loud as the hell you-

Loud as the hell you-

Loud as the hell you-

Loud as the hell you-

Loud as the hell you-

Loud as the hell you-

Loud as the hell you-

Want!

The singers looked at each other (they didn'y actually… you know…), screamed and ran off the stage.

Jia Yu, Taang and Mistress Monster laughed out loud… frankly.

"Sokka was Trekkie Monster again, wasn't he?" Katara asked, glaring back at the three Nazis.

Mistress Monster nodded.


	25. Burn

After the events of the last chapter, everyone was being unusually quiet.

Mistress Monster looked around, "Okay… this next song isn't from a musical, but I'm thinking of putting it in one… so, ZUKO!"

Zuko rolled his eyes and walked up to the stage.

"Incest?" Taang asked, quite loudly.

Azula and Zuko looked at each other, and Zuko tried to creep off the stage.

BZZZZZZZZZZZZT!

But Mistress Monster tazed him, and he didn't want to feel the wrath of that anymore.

Zuko: There's a lightning storm each and every night

Crashing inside you like motorbikes

We toss and turn, sleep so loud

Grind the teeth in our, our empty mouths

Our empty

There's a forest fire burning bright

Spreading quickly towards our last rights

Nowhere to run, pointless to hide

Just lay there and scream, pretending to try

Pretending

Intending to burn, pretending to fight it

Everyone learns faster on fire

Things took a turn, lost all desire

You live and you burn

You live and you burn

This impending doom is left deep inside

And it's haunting you each and every night

Light starving wolves, drowning sheep

We close our eyes, pretending to sleep

Descending

Intending to burn, pretending to fight it

Everyone learns faster on fire

Things took a turn, lost all desire

You live and you burn

You live and...

Like hell, we are anxiously waiting

Like hell burning silently strong

Somehow we fell down by the wayside

And somehow this hell is home

As we burn, pretending to fight it

Everyone learns faster on fire

Things took a turn, lost all desire

You live and you burn

You live and

Like hell, we are anxiously waiting

Like hell burning silently strong

Somehow we fell down by the wayside

And somehow this hell is home

Right now, this hell is my home

Zuko shook his head and tripped, again, off the stage and right onto Katara's lap, "Oh, hi, honey…" he said.

Jia Yu had taken out the tape recorder and was squealing with delight.

"Incest!" Taang yelled.


	26. Can You Feel The Love Tonight

"Hey… it's Aang and Sokka!" Jia Yu yelled, pointing at two of the five people on stage.

"And Disney rocks…" Mistress Monster put in.

The rest of the cast rolled their eyes and hunkered down to watch the song being performed.

Aang:

I can see what's happening

(Sokka: What?)

And they don't have a clue

(Sokka: Who?)

They'll fall in love and here's the bottom line

Our trio's down to two.

(Sokka: Oh.)

In a sarcastic mock-French accent

Ze sweet caress of twilight

Back to normal, but still sarcastic

There's magic everywhere

And with all this romantic atmosphere

Disaster's in the air

Toph:

Can you feel the love tonight?

The peace the evening brings

The world, for once, in perfect harmony

With all its living things

Zuko:

So many things to tell her

But how to make her see

The truth about my past? Impossible!

She'd turn away from me

Katara:

He's holding back, he's hiding

But what, I can't decide

Why won't he be the king I know he is

The king I see inside?

Toph, Aang and Sokka:

Can you feel the love tonight?

The peace the evening brings

The world, for once, in perfect harmony

With all its living things

Can you feel the love tonight?

You needn't look too far

Stealing through the night's uncertainties

Love is where they are

Aang:

And if he falls in love tonight

It can be assumed

Sokka:

His carefree days with us are history

Aang and Sokka:

In short, our pal is doomed

"That… that's perfect!" Suki and Sokka both shouted.

"Oh, so you finally like Zuko and Katara as a pairing?" Jet asked, still trying to get the image of Smellerbee and Longshot doing the nasty out of his head.

Sokka nodded and went to the bar at the back for a cup of tea. He then sat next to Iroh.


	27. There Is Life Outside Your Apartment

Aang had been missing.

"Where's twinkletoes?" Mistress Monster asked.

The a-fore-mentioned airbender walked in wearing all black… he looked like your typical emo-goth man.

"Oh… fuck," Jia Yu and Taang chimed in.

"I don't want to do anything… the world hates me… I wish I was dead…"

"What brought this on?" Toph asked.

"Katara doesn't love me…" Aang replied.

"But… Toph… and Aang?" Jia Yu asked.

Toph cocked her eyebrow, "What the hell?

Mistress Monster laughed, "Two Avenue Q songs in one time period! Again!"

"Oh, god," the avatar cast chimed in.

"HUSH! Longshot, Aang, Sokka, Toph, Smellerbee, and Jet, get up there!" Mistress Monster yelled, pushing the now goth Aang on the stage.

Longshot:

Princeton!

Aang:

Yeah.

Longshot:

Listen, buddy, nobody's seen ya for two weeks.

What's up with that?

Aang:

I went to work for a temp agency, and they

fired me for being too depressing on the phone.

I maxed out my cards, I'm two months behind

in rent, I totally messed up my personal life.

Oh, and Brian - I still haven't found my purpose!

Longshot:

All right. Get off your ass and stop worrying!

Everyone's getting together to mess around the city today.

Aang:

Have fun!

Longshot:

When I say everyone, that includes you!

There is life outside your apartment.

I know it's hard to conceive.

But there's life outside your apartment.

And you're only gonna see it if you leave.

There is cool shit to do,

But it can't come to you,

And who knows, dude

You might even score!

There is life outside your apartment.

But you gotta open the door!

Aang:

No, thanks, I'm staying in!

Longshot:

Don't tell me I gotta force you.

Aang:

Sorry!

Longshot:

All right, everyone! He's resisting!

All but Aang:

There is life outside...

There is life outside...

There is life outside...

There is life outside your apartment!

There's a pigeon

Squashed on the street.

Smellerbee:

Ew.

Longshot:

There's a girl passing by

Jet:

No I think it's a guy

All but Aang:

And a homeless man

Who only wants to

Buy something to eat!

Sorry, can't help you.

We could go to the zoo!

Sokka:

Pick up girls at NYU!

Longshot:

We could sit in the park smoking pot!

Smellerbee:

Or not.

All but Aang:

There is life outside your apartment.

Aang:

Well, I guess I'll give it a shot.

All:

There is life outside your apartment.

I know -

There is life outside your apartment.

Jet:

I'm gonna jump!

All:

Don't do it!

Jet:

Okay.

All:

There is cool shit to do

But it can't come to you

So come on -

Jet:

Get out of the way asshole!

Aang:

Fuck you!

All:

There is life outside your apartment.

Oh, you never know

What's around the bend.

You could win the lotto

Or make a friend...

Guys:

Take her home to see your apartment!

Toph:

Do you wanna feel special?

I can see that you do.

Well, I can make you feel

Special.

If you let me feel you.

Guys:

She'll feel you!

Toph:

Where's your pad?

Aang:

Not too far.

Guys:

We could call you a car.

Aang:

We'll be fine, thank you! See ya!

Smellerbee:

Hope you don't get gonorrhea!

All:

There is life outside your apartment.

Aang/Toph:

But now it's time to go home.

All:

There is life outside your apartment.

Sokka:

Me going home now.

Aang/Toph:

It's time to go home!

Sokka:

That's where me gonna go!

Toph:

I can make you feel special

Sokka:

That's where me gonna go!

All:

There is life outside your apartment.

Sokka:

Me going home now,

That's where me gonna go!

Aang/Toph:

But now it's time to go home

Sokka:

For porn!

"YOU HAVE SOME PROBLEM WITH MY BROTHER BEING TREKKIE MONSTER!" Katara yelled.

"Yes, I do… as Yazu has already pointed out," Mistress Monster said.

"Why do I always seem to have the parts that mean I have to have sex with Twinkletoes?" Toph asked.

"Do you have to ask?" Mistress Monster and Jia Yu asked.

Toph and Aang shivered, and Longshot dragged Aang out of the theatre.

"Has Aangshot finally happened?" Taang asked.

"Aang… shot?" Smellerbee asked, sitting down again.

"Aang and Longshot coupling," Taang replied.

"No, sweetie… Longshot was just going outside with him to…"

"I AM A NEW MAN!" Aang yelled, flying in in just his underwear.

"Flash everyone, why don't you?" Zuko yelled.

"Sorry… Longshot, can I have my pants back?" Aang asked as the aforementioned archer.

"AANGSHOT!" Taang yelled.

"NO!" Toph, Smellerbee, Aang and Longshot shouted.

"Ah, man…" Taang replied, sounding a bit like Jake Long… who is voiced by Zuko, so Zuko looked at her strangely.


	28. Kyle's Mom Is A Bitch

"What the hell?" Sokka asked.

"South Park rocks my socks, man," Mistress Monster replied.

Katara looked weirdly at Jia Yu, Taang and Mistress Monster, who shrugged. "and Sokka, you're singing about your own mother."

"WHAT?!" Sokka yelled.

Mistress Monster raised the tazer and Sokka cringed.

Sokka: Weeelllll,

Kyle's mom's a bitch, she's a big fat bitch,

She's the biggest bitch in the whole wide world,

She's a stupid bitch, if there ever was a bitch,

She's a bitch to all the boys and girls.

On Monday she's a bitch

On Tuesday she's a bitch

On Wednesday thru Saturday she's a bitch

Then on Sunday just to be different,

Shes u super king kamehameha bitch

Have you ever met my friend Kyle's Mom,

She's the biggest bitch in the whole wide world,

She's a mean old bitch, she has stupid hair,

She's a bitch, bitch, bitch, bitch, bitch, bitch, bitch

Bitch, bitch bitch bitch bitch bitch bitch

She's a stupid bitch, Kyle's Mom's a bitch,

And she's such a dirty bitch.

Talk to kids around the world,

It might go a little something like this...

Have you ever met my friend Kyle's Mom,

She's the biggest bitch in the whole wide world,

She's a mean old bitch, she has stupid hair,

She's a bitch, bitch, bitch, bitch, bitch, bitch, bitch

Bitch, bitch bitch bitch bitch bitch bitch.

She's a stupid bitch, Kyle's Mom's a bitch,

And she's such a dirty bitch;

I really mean it,

Kyle's Mom, she's a big fat, stinking bitch

Big old fat fuckin' bitch, Kyle's Mommmmmmmmmmm

Yeahhhhh, Chaaaaa

"SOKKA!" Katara yelled, "she's my mom too!"

"And we all know where your mom goes," Mistress Monster commented.

"Oh? Where?" Sokka and Katara asked.

"TO COLLEGE!" Taang and Mistress Monster yelled happily.

"I don't see why you two don't sing something," Smellerbee commented.


	29. Always Look On The Bright Side Of Life

"And to the request of Sokka and Katara, we are singing, yes." Mistress Monster said.

Jia Yu, Taang and Mistress Monster: Some things in life are bad

They can really make you mad

Other things just make you swear and curse.

When you're chewing on life's gristle

Don't grumble, give a whistle

And this'll help things turn out for the best...

And...always look on the bright side of life...

Always look on the light side of life...

If life seems jolly rotten

There's something you've forgotten

And that's to laugh and smile and dance and sing.

When you're feeling in the dumps

Don't be silly chumps

Just purse your lips and whistle - that's the thing.

And...always look on the bright side of life...

Always look on the light side of life...

For life is quite absurd

And death's the final word

You must always face the curtain with a bow.

Forget about your sin - give the audience a grin

Enjoy it - it's your last chance anyhow.

So always look on the bright side of death

Just before you draw your terminal breath

Life's a piece of shit

When you look at it

Life's a laugh and death's a joke, it's true.

You'll see it's all a show

Keep 'em laughing as you go

Just remember that the last laugh is on you.

And always look on the bright side of life...

Always look on the right side of life...

(Come on guys, cheer up!)

Always look on the bright side of life...

Always look on the bright side of life...

(Worse things happen at sea, you know.)

Always look on the bright side of life...

(I mean - what have you got to lose?)

(You know, you come from nothing - you're going back to nothing.

What have you lost? Nothing!)

Always look on the right side of life...

"Happy now?" Jia Yu asked the Avatar cast.

They nodded, smiling.


	30. Light My Candle

"She's updating!" Taang yelled.

Mistress Monster smiled, "And now for three Rent songs in a row! Zuko and Katara, get up there!"

ZUKO

What'd you forget?

KATARA enters, holding a candle and looking for a match;

her electricity is down, too.

KATARA

Got a light?

ZUKO

I know you? -- You're --

You're shivering

KATARA

It's nothing

They turned off my heat

And I'm just a little

Weak on my feet

Would you light my candle?

What are you staring at?

ZUKO

Nothing

Your hair in the moonlight

You look familiar

He lights her candle with firebending. KATARA starts to leave, but stumbles.

Can you make it?

KATARA

Just haven't eaten much today

At least the room stopped spinning.

Anyway. What?

ZUKO

Nothing

Your smile reminded me of --

KATARA

I always remind people of -- who is she?

ZUKO

She died. Her name was April

KATARA discreetly blows out the candle.

KATARA

It's out again

Sorry about your friend

Would you light my candle?

ZUKO lights the candle. They linger, awkwardly.

ZUKO

Well --

KATARA

Yeah. Ow!

ZUKO

Oh, the wax -- it's --

KATARA

Dripping! I like it -- between my --

ZUKO

Fingers. I figured...

Oh, well. Goodnight.

KATARA exits. ZUKO heads back toward his guitar on the table.

There is another knock, which he answers.

It blew out again?

KATARA

No -- I think that I dropped my stash

ZUKO

I know I've seen you out and about

When I used to go out

Your candle's out

KATARA

I'm illin' --

I had it when I walked in the door

It was pure --

Is it on the floor?

ZUKO

The floor?

KATARA gets down on all fours and starts searching

the floor for her stash. She lookss back at ZUKO,

who is staring at her again.

KATARA

They say I have the best ass below 14th street

Is it true?

ZUKO

What?

KATARA

You're staring again.

ZUKO

Oh no.

I mean you do -- have a nice --

I mean -- You look familiar

KATARA

Like your dead girlfriend?

ZUKO

Only when you smile.

But I'm sure I've seen you somewhere else --

KATARA

Do you go to the Cat Scratch Club?

That's where I work - I dance - help me look

ZUKO

Yes!

They used to tie you up --

KATARA

It's a living

KATARA douses the flame again.

ZUKO

I didn't recognize you

Without the handcuffs

KATARA

We could light the candle

Oh won't you light the candle?

ZUKO lights it again.

ZUKO

Why don't you forget that stuff

You look like you're sixteen

KATARA

I'm nineteen -- but I'm old for my age

I'm just born to be bad

ZUKO

I once was born to be bad

I used to shiver like that

KATARA

I have no heat -- I told you

ZUKO

I used to sweat

KATARA

I got a cold

ZUKO

Uh huh

I used to be a junkie

KATARA

But now and then I like to --

ZUKO

Uh huh

KATARA

Feel good

ZUKO

Here it -- um --

ZUKO stoops and picks up a small object: KATARA's stash.

KATARA

What's that?

ZUKO

It's a candy bar wrapper

ZUKO puts it behind his back and into his pocket.

KATARA

We could light the candle

ZUKO discreetly blows out the candle.

KATARA

What'd you do with my candle?

ZUKO

That was my last match

KATARA

Our eyes'll adjust, thank God for the moon

ZUKO

Maybe it's not the moon at all

I hear Spike Lee's shooting down the street

KATARA

Bah humbug ... Bah humbug

KATARA places her hand under his, pretending to do it by accident.

ZUKO

Cold hands

KATARA

Yours too.

Big. Like my father's

You wanna dance?

ZUKO

With you?

KATARA

No -- with my father

ZUKO

I'm Roger

KATARA

They call me

They call me Mimi

They come extremely close to a kiss.

KATARA reaches into his pocket, nabs the stash,

waves it in front of his face, and makes a sexy exit.

Sokka thought for a moment, "Can I just say something?"

Jet, who was sitting next to him, nodded, "Sure, go ahead…"

"Can I have nephews and nieces that look as good as Katara and Zuko? Like… can they have children already?"

Jia Yu and Mistress Monster's eyes widened and they skleed loudly. But they were more Taangians, so they were waiting for THOSE children…


	31. La Vie Boheme

"And now… Sokka, Aang, Zuko, Toph, Katara, Ty Lee, Mai, Song, Teo and… Mistress Monster… what?!" Taang yelled, reading off her sister's name.

Mistress Monster snickered and ran up to the stage.

SOKKA

you make fun, yet im the one attempting to do some good. or do you rell want a neighborhood where people piss on your stoop

every night. Bohemia bohemias, a vallacy in your hand. this is calcutta bohemia is dead.

MISTRESS MONSTER

dearly beloved, we gather here to say our goodbyes.

AANG & ZUKO

(Dies irae dies illa

Kyrie eleison

Yitgadal v' yitkadash, etc.)

MISTRESS MONSTER

here she lies, noone knew her works. the late great daughter of mother earth. on these nights when we celebrate the birth.

in that little town of bethlahem we raise our glass you bet your ass to la vie boheme.

ALL

(la vie boheme)

la vie boheme

la vie boheme

la vie boheme

MISTRESS MONSTER

the days of inspiration playin hookey makin somethin out of nothin.(la vie boheme) the need to express to communicate.(la

vie boheme) goin against the grain going insane,(la vie boheme) goin mad.(la vie boheme)to loving tension no pension to more

than one dimmension (la vie boheme) to striving for attention. hating convention hating convention.(la vie boheme) not to

mension of course hating dear old (la vie boheme) mom and dad ( la vie boheme) to riding your bike mid-day past the three (la

vie boheme) peice suits, to fruits, to no absolutes. (la vie boheme)to absolute to choice, to the village voice (la vie

boheme) to any passing fad.to being an us for once, instead of a them.

ALL

la vie boheme

la vie boheme

TY LEE

hey mister, shes my sister

WAITER

so thats five miso, four seaweed salad three soy burger dinner, two tofu dog platter, and one pasta with meatless balls

ZUKO

ew

AANG

it tastes the same

KATARA

if you close your eyes

WAITER

and thirteen orders of fries. is that it here?

ALL

wine and beer!

KATARA AND TOPH

to hand-crafted beers made in local

breweries. to yoga to yogurt to rice and beans and cheese. to leather to dildos to curry vindaloo. to huevos rancheros and

maya angelou.

TY LEE AND AANG

emotion devotion to causing a comotion creation vacation

MISTRESS MONSTER

mucho masterbation

TY LEE AND AANG

compasion to fasion to passion when its new

AANG

to suntag

TOPH

to sondheim

FOUR GIRLS

to anything tabboo

AANG AND ZUKO

gingsberg, dylan, cunningham, and cage

AANG

lenny bruce

ZUKO

langston hughes

TY LEE

to the stage

SONG

to uta

TEO

to buhda

COUPLE PEOPLE

pablo neruda too

MISTRESS MONSTER AND KATARA

why dorthey and toto went over the rainbow to blow off aunty em

ALL

la vie boheme

TEO

sisters?

TY LEE AND MAI

we're close

TOPH AND AANG

brothers

MISTRESS MONSTER, TOPH, KATARA, THREE OTHERS

bisexuals, trisexuals, homosapians,carcinogens, hallucinogens, men, peewee herman. germen wine, terpentine, gertrude stein,

antonioni, bertolucci, kurosawa, Carmina Burana

ALL

to apathy, to entropy, to empathy, ecstacy. vaclev havel, the sex pistols, 8bc. to no shame, never playing the fame game.

AANG

to marriguana!

ALL

to sodomy, its between god and me, to us in hell

SOKKA

waiter, waiter, waiter!

ALL

(la vie boheme)

AANG

in honor of the death of bohemia and impromtu sallon will comence ammediatly following dinner. maureen johnson, just back

from her spectacular one night engagement at the 11th street lot, will perform native american tribal chants, backwards

through her vocoder, while accompanying herself on the electric cello. wich she aint neva studied.

ZUKO

and mark cohen will preveiw his new documentary about his inability to hold an erection on the high holy days.

MISTRESS MONSTER

and mimi marquez clad only in bubblewrap will perform her famous lawnchair-handcuff dance to the sounds of iced-tea being

stirred. and roger will attempt to write a bitter sweet amocative song...that doesnt remind us of muzzeta's waltz.

AANG

Angel dumetsinog will model her latest fall fasions from paris while accompanying herself on a ten gallon plastics pickel

tub.

TOPH

and collins will recount his exploits as an anarchist, including the deligates successful reprogramming of the M.I.T. retro

reality equipment to self distruct as it broadcasts the words!

ALL

actual reality, act up, fight aids!

KATARA

exscuse me did i do somethin wrong, i get invited and ignored all night long

ZUKO

ive been trying im not lyin, noones perfect, ive got baggage

KATARA

lifes too short babe, time is flying, im looking for baggage that goes with mine.

ZUKO

i should tell you

KATARA

ive got baggage too

ZUKO

should tell you

ZUKO AND KATARA

baggage

ALL

wine and beer!

KATARA

AZT brake

ZUKO

you

KATARA

me,you

ZUKO

mimi

Jia Yu shook her head, "You're strange, you know that?"

Mistress Monster plopped down next to her and retorted, "Some say deranged, too… I just embrace it all…"


	32. I'll Cover You

"TOPH AND AANG! GO!" Mistress Monster shouted, making Jia Yu and Taang's ears bleed.

"Yeesh," Sokka said.

BZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZT!!

And he just got TAZED!

TOPH

live in my house i'll be your shelter just pay be back with one thousand kisses be my lover and i'll cover you

AANG

open your door i'll be your tenant don't got much baggage to lay at your feet but sweet kisses i've got to spare i'll be

there and i'll cover you

BOTH

i think they meant it when they said you can't buy love now i know you can rent it and new lease you are my love one life be

my life

just slip me on i'll be your blanket wherever whatever i'll be your coat

TOPH

you'll be my king and i'll be your castle

AANG

no you'll be my queen and i'll be your moat

BOTH

i think they meant it when they said you can't buy love now i know you can rent it and new lease you are my life one life oh

my life

i've longed to discover something as true as the seas

AANG

So with a thousand sweet kisses i'll cover you with a thousand sweet kisses i'll cover you

when you're worn out and tired when you're heart has expired

TOPH (at the same time)

if you're cold and you're lonely you've got one nickel only

with a thousand sweet kisses i'll cover you with a thousand sweet kisses i'll cover you

BOTH

oh lover i'll cover you

yeah

oh lover i'll cover you

"Aww…!" Everyone skleed.

"CHILDREN NOW!!!" Mistress Monster and Jia Yu both yelled.

Toph and Aang blushed, took each other's hands, and went to sit back down, still blushing.


	33. TEH FINALE!

"What? Why does it have to end?" Jia Yu cried.

"Because I have a life," Mistress Monster shouted, "And because I have to start another one of these with my Boudoire… you can join in that one too."

"YAY!" Jia Yu yelled.

"Everyone up!!" Taang yelled, pressing the taser button and killing a dodo bird… uhh… we'll pay for that.

Aang:

Lady, will you marry me?

Toph:

I thought you'd never ask.

Scene changes to the Vegas Drive-Up Wedding Chapel

and the Girls enter in short Wedding Dresses.

Girls:

We are not yet wed

And we're nearly at the end

It is time that we

Went and found a friend

Is there someone who

Can help us in out quest?

We're already dressed

Although we're not yet wed.

Enter the boys with top hats and tails.

Men:

We are not yet dead

That's the best thing to be said

We are not yet dead

So we might as well get wed

Could it be much worse

Is marriage such a curse?

Might as well get married

Cos we are not yet wed

Wedding Match.

Enter Jet and Longshot married. In great fasions.

Longshot:

So you see it's all a show, happy ending and all

And that just makes me want to sing…

They all look for Ozai but he doesn't come on so Longshot starts to sing…

Longshot:

When you're lost

On life's trail

And you feel doomed to fail

Do not fail

Find Your Male

Find Your Male

That's your Grail

Jet:

Just think Herbert, in a thousand years time this will still be controversial.

Enter Sokka, suitably dressed in white tie and tails.

Sokka:

And I too have found my grail.

Ensemble:

What's that?

Sokka:

Musical Theatre!

(singing)

Sokka:

You can sing

You can dance

And you won't soil your pants

In your white tie and tail

Find your Grail

Find your Grail

Everybody Else:

Hallelujah a Broadway wedding!

Enter Aang and Toph married. Toph is in a gorgeous wedding gown.

Aang and Toph:

So be strong

Everybody Else:

Here comes the bride

A&T:

Keep right on.

Everybody Else:

Here comes the groom

A&T:

To the end of your song

Everybody Else:

Hallelujah

Toph:

Do not fail

Find your Male

Aang:

Dressed in 'mail'

Find your Grail

Everybody Else:

Sing Hallelujah they've found their grail.

Aang:

Life is really up to you

You must choose what to pursue

Everybody Else:

A Broadway wedding

Toph:

Set your mind on what to find

And there's nothing you can't do

All:

Go and find your grail

Aang and Toph:

So keep right to the end

You'll find your goal my friend

Everybody Else:

Find you friend!

All:

Then the prize you won't fail

Find your Grail

Find your Grail!

Ozai:

Stop that. Stop that. Stop it! No more bloody singing…

Jet whacks him on the head

Everybody Else:

For this is the Show that ends like this!

The girls start blowing kisses at no one in particular, and everybody prances off. Now that Toph and Aang are actually married, Jia Yu and Mistress Monster go to tape them… you know, with the bedroom and the sheets and the… sex?

And Taang goes to feel Longshot and Jet since they got married too… and since she is blind she can only feel them and… you get the idea.

And Sokka goes to audition for Wicked. And fails, so then he just becomes a PORN STAR!!!

Katara shakes her head at that last statement, as she chases me out the door, and I go to tie up my favorite characters from KHII!!!

Toph Monster… see ya!


End file.
